people getting in the way!

Get your Copy on thursday!

A special issue of the hic-up dedicated to the 700 club
50 printed
free
available on Thursday July 31st last show at the 700 club!

i dont wanna get up no more...

last 700 show

LAST SHOW EVER
THURSDAY, JULY 31ST
6PM SHARP FOR SUPER SECRET SURPRISES
BRING A THIRTY PACK TO SHARE

6:25 - Tragic Johnson vs. Sexon Horses
7:00 - Tit Patrol vs. Eph Tradition
7:35 - Anne Frankenstein vs. Hot Toddy & the Wilmington Wastoids
8:10 - Pyramids vs. Fat History Month
8:45 - Melon vs. Count von Count
9:20 - The Headies vs. APE!
10:00 - Two Dads vs. Fur Giver
10:30 - Ugh God vs. UGHGOD

as well as the realse of the 10th supper special issue of the hic-up dedicated to the documantion and ending of the 700 club... they shall be missed!

Words of Clarence Wright - Director of Wilmington's Future

Clarence Wright is the director of the Wilmington Main Street Project. A minister and a civil-minded activist, Mr. Wright was courteous enough to answer several questions I had for him on the current downtown Wilmington development and his life in general. I can not offer enough thanks for what Mr. Wright has done and is doing for our city, and for taking time out of his very busy schedule to speak with me.
 
After graduating from Temple you stayed in Philly and worked as a program manager for housing and economic development. Did you accomplish everything you wanted to there? What important lesson(s) did you learn in the larger metropolis that will serve you here in Wilmington?
 
I think I did, I still go up to West Oak Lane and look with pride at what it's become. When I started up there it was a residential neighborhood and that was pretty much it, now it is a destination vibrant with restaurants and entertainment. I really pushed hard for an 18 hour destination community and that is exactly what it has turned into. I guess the lesson that I learned from West Oak Lane is that it can be done, and downtown Wilmington has a lot more to build on than West Oak Lane did when I started up there.

What drew you to the field of community development?
 
Going to school in North Philly I witnessed first hand the need for urban reinvestment, and once the seed was planted I had to be involved. The community development sector does development the right way from the grass roots level and at the same time holistically attacks all of the root causes of the problem. If you focus only on bricks and mortar the community will revert back to its state of dilapidation.

What drew you to Wilmington in particular?

I felt the position with Main Street Wilmington provided a valuable opportunity to make a citywide impact because of it's location in the downtown. Wilmington also reminded me in size and demographics to my hometown of Syracuse, NY.

What are "Main Street Wilmington" and "Downtown Visions"? How have other "Main Street" projects fared?

Main Street Wilmington is a grassroots community driven program for community revitalization based on the four point approach developed by the National Trust for Historic Preservation. The four points are Design, Promotions, Economic Restructuring and Organization. There are volunteer driven committees that support each one of these four points. Since its establishment 30 years ago there have been more than 1,200 Main Street Communities nationwide ranging from small towns to bustling urban corridors.
 
Our program here in Wilmington is made up as a partnership of key downtown stakeholders. Downtown Visions is one of our five key partners. They manage the downtown business improvement district and provide vital services such as cleaning, safety ambassadors and camera monitoring. Because the police in Wilmington focus more on the outer lying residential neighborhoods Downtown Visions plays a vital role in keeping downtown safe. We also partner with the Wilmington Renaissance Corporation, the Downtown Business Association, the Mayor's Office of Economic Development and City Council. We also work closely with business owners, corporations and developers as well as the growing downtown residential population.

What is your ideal vision for Market Street, physically, psychologically, emotionally etc... What will it look and feel like if your every idea could be completed?

My vision for Market Street is for it to be the entertainment and cultural capital of the state of Delaware, a place with successful businesses, high foot traffic and activity 18-24 hours a day. I believe the bones are already there to create this we just need to get the word out and continue to build momentum.

What is your "jurisdiction"? What area exactly does the project include?

The Main Street target area covers the same footprint as the Downtown Business Improvement District, which is 70 square blocks. The boundaries are roughly Martin Luther King Blvd. to the Brandywine River and Walnut Street to Tatnall plus Delaware Avenue to I-95. You can see the map on our website www.mainstreetwilmingtonde.org .

What steps have been taken, are being taken, will be taken in regards to the progress of the project?

We have set up our organizational infrastructure and we continue build our network of downtown stakeholders.

How much of Market was residential/commercial and in use prior to the development? How many newly available properties have been leased? What businesses can we look forward to moving in?

There will be literally dozens of new businesses in the next several years with a focus on unique retail and food service, although there will also be some national chains.
 
How is the project paid for?

Through a combination of funds from the city of Wilmington, the state office of economic development (DEDO), as well as other organizations and individual contributors.

Is there anything in the works for a local music venue, like the 4W5? Or other things to do after 5pm?

Yes we are working very closely with all of the existing arts organizations downtown and there are plans for a multi million dollar renovation to the former Queen Theater at 5^{th and Market to convert it into a top notch entertainment venue.}

What are the district designations in regards to numbered streets, i.e. - LOMA, Ships Tavern, etc..?
 
There are no official boundaries for these "subdistricts" however LOMA is short for Lower Market (Roughly from MLK to 4th or 5th) this will focus on design (i.e. home furnishings, architecture, graphics…), Crosby Hill is the term being used for the upper part of Market (Roughly 5th to 10th) this will focus on entertainment and the arts. There is also a fashion district planned for 9th Street anchored by the former Bottle Caps building in the 200 block.
 
What is the reaction of the residents on and around Market Street? Have there been any objections? Are measures in order to assure that current residents receive their fair share/are not displaced now or in the future?

Working in the context of existing residents can often be a challenge, however it has not been with the Market Street development simply because there was really no one to displace. What is amazing about the downtown Wilmington developments is that it is in effect creating a new neighborhood. For so long downtown has been a place to come to work and then go home, but now with all of the new developments and housing units there is finally 24hour life downtown. None of the developments that I am aware of have displaced residents, however there is the potential to create literally thousands of new residents.

What kind of impact, in regards to social justice, could these developments have?

I believe that economic equality is the new preeminent social issue. The developments on Market Street have the potential to create hundreds of new jobs for surrounding community residents, as well as opportunities to open businesses. Many of the new job openings are being specifically targeted to residents of surrounding Wilmington Neighborhoods. The developments will also increase the tax base of the city as a whole which will mean better services for all of its residents, most notably minority communities (which are actually a majority in Wilmington!).

I read previously that Market Street was intended to be the "greenest" or most environmentally friendly major corridor in the Northeast. Does any of that hold true?
 
I don't know enough to confirm that it will be the "greenest", but I do know of several projects which are going for high level LEED certifications, and contain features such as green roofs and energy efficient designs. It's also worth noting that the majority of the Market and 9th Street projects are restorations and not new construction. This is significant because reusing existing buildings means that those building materials will be kept out of landfills.
 
Are there any initiatives for first time business owners to open up shop/studio in the area?

We are not specifically targeting first time business owners but we will work with and welcome anyone with a good idea and a sound business plan.

 
On your myspace you sum yourself up as "a pastor, musician, singer, song writer, poet, spoken word artist, community developer (and all around good guy)… …but I…AM…NOT…an entertainer!!!" What do you aim to accomplish with your art? Is it seperate from your civic work, or does it go hand in hand?

Everything I do including my art and my profession are an extension of my ministry. Ministry is not just preaching (although I am an ordained minister). Ministry is literally "service", and you can not serve God without serving God's people. Everything I do is to inspire, encourage and most importantly create a tangible positive change in the world. If I should happen to entertain in the process, so be it, but that is never the intention from the outset.
 
Where and when can we see you "perform"?

I do features at spoken word venues in the Philadelphia area. I would consider Wordsmith Alley on Wednesday nights in the 700 block of South Street to be my "Home Mic"

You are rather young for someone in such a position, which I find equally amazing and inspiring. Has your youth been an asset in your work? Has it any drawbacks?

I think overall my relatively young age is a benefit. I'm young enough to retain a bit of idealism to try things that many would consider impossible, but I'm experienced enough to not bite off more than I can chew.
 
What can I do, specifically, to help see the completion af Market Street through?

We have standing committees covering Promotions, Economic Restructuring, Design and Outreach, you or anyone else is welcome to get involved in any of those four areas.

How long are you planning on working in/for Wilmington? If you complete your every goal for this project, can other areas of the city look forward to your professional assistance? Or might you initiate another "Main Street" project in some other needy yet potential laden city?

I always leave possibilities open for the future. As of right now I am committed to improving downtown Wilmington in the best way possible. I definitely like Wilmington as a city and I can see myself putting down roots here, and I would definitely like to return in some capacity to do work in the neighborhoods in addition to the downtown. How it all plays out remains to be seen, the future will take care of itself I'm just along for the ride. 

Is Market Street "open for business"? What can we expect in the very near future?
 
Market Street is most definitely open for business, along with the rest of downtown Wilmington. In the near future you can expect new businesses, new entertainment opportunities, new restaurants, a more attractive streetscape and stronger outreach to engage the surrounding communities in what's happening downtown.
 
With my optimism, people often like to naysay and tell me things won't work. Have you had anyone telling you that this will not work? What do you say to haters?

I deal with naysayers on a daily basis, in fact that is a big part of my job. I deal with them by simply telling the story of what Wilmington could be, never over selling and always being realistic. Some will never be won over, and remain skeptical even after the end product is delivered, but I can never let doubters affect my mission.
 
 

---

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I wanna pop!

sweet ice cream!

The Floor Is Lava, By Timothy J. Toner

Colored by myself, in a manner I'm sure to the Main Man's horror and dismay!

Fun Time Comix #8 is now officially in the can.

You KNOW you gotta watch that TODDY & THE WASTOIDS

VIDEO available at the link found

HERE

======

Also, there is new stuff galore over on the ole' bd blog

New Digs - 1717 Delaware Avenue

Local hot-shit chef Dan Robinson has a new kitchen. Starting Tuesday, July 29, Dan will be cooking at 1717 Delaware Avenue, at the eponymous martini bar in Trolly Square. The menu features a broad array of modernist fare, with tapas like sauteed edemame, house-made hummus, and crab spring rolls. Light fare featuring wild boar sausage with a pickled cabbage slaw, white wine plumped golden raisins and sweet potato fries, everybody's favorite - fish tacos with a delicious pineapple-habenero sauce, and Dan's specialty - the Chef's Burger with bacon and cheddar. Finally, entrees such as a sesame-crusted tuna steak, served atop sesame noodle salad with wasabi crema and a soy glaze, or house-made whole wheat pasta with sauteed shrimp and scallops in a white wine lemon butter sauce. All meant to compliment the endless designer martinis offered and mixed to perfection by bartender Jen, not to mention the plethora of fine wines and beers. You can check out all the full menus online. (http://www.1717delave.com)

And never fear - chef Dan and bartender extroirdinarre Karl Dettbarn will reunite professionally every Sunday night in August at their home away from home - Dead Presidents Pub - 618 North Union Street in the West Side. (http://www.deadpresidentspub.com) Karl recently handed in his resignation at Iron Hill on the Riverfront, ending a near fourteen year relationship, as far as he can tell. Dan employs gonzo-southern soul style cooking at Dead Prez, where there are personal nightly specials and nothing is taboo! Come into DP for Sunday night baseball, HBO, Chicken Nixons, and two very good-looking boys. You know what yer gettin'!

Last but not least local punk rock legend Billy Frolic is in control of the bar at Chef Luigi Vitone's amazin' Pastabilities at 415 N. Lincoln Street in Little Italy. (http://www.ljv-pastabilities.com) Not only is this, in my oppinion, the best Italian food in Wilmington, but every Friday night features live music a la Billy and friends and a special shortened rock and roll menu. This is the most intimate of these three hip establishments, with nice low lighting and Frolic's bedroom eyes, an unforgettable experience!

ahhh....

Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger

At Burger King the other night, Nikki told me to get whatever I wanted, so I opted for the outrageously priced BK Loaded Steakhouse Burger... $7.49 for a "value" meal? Anyway, this burger is crazy... Angus half-pounder, always a plus, and covered with bacon, breaded fried onions, cheddar cheese, A-1 sauce, and some kinda "loaded baked potato mix", like mashers with sour cream and chives. The bun was drastically undersized, with the burger hangin' out a quarter inch on every side. Ahh... my emotions are conflicted, knowing that simplicity is key for a top-notch burg, but always appreciating the wild topping route as well.

In this case, more turns out to be less. At the old Wilbur Street Deli in Newark, they had all those kick-ass special sandwiches with everything, including fries, packed right in the roll. For example - meatballs, mozzarella sticks, marinara and more mozzarella, or chicken tenders, fries, Buffalo sauce, and blue cheese dressing, all on an eight inch roll. There's also one with chopped ground beef and a Gyro one, and I think Daffy Deli on Elkton Road might still do these same sandwhiches - get them! But the mashed potato element on the BK offering queers the deal. It changes the whole landscape of the burger, the other flavors compromised. Sour cream and fries right on top would fix the problem, but they probably won't take that terrific step.

When it comes down to it, the potato topping is the key gimmick, differentiating this from the previous "Rodeo Burger." I appreciate the expansive thinking, but not the expensive price. With a bit of work, this interesting burger could be a good one.

RATING: 2 stars out of 5.

Pictured: Burger King's official press release photo, a shot of the same burger, but the dude ordered without cheese! What!?, and the BK's supreme Quad Laser Burger.

COUGH IT UP! (We did.)

Who needs first place anyway? Me, that's who. First off, it is common knowledge to all Phils fans that the New York Mets suck. So how do a team that sucks so bad take another series from us? Do we suck too? I know that I don't suck!

Crafty prima-donna Oliver Perez continued to baffle the Phillies, our big hitters coming up with zilch. Chase Utley and Ryan Howard went a combined 0-7, stranding five, and striking out an embarrasing six times. Pat Burrell, Shane Victorino, and Chris Coste each slapped mute singles and Burrell added another outfield assist to his stats, all of which resulted in no runs for Philadelphia. The sole run came off a Jayson Werth dinger in the seventh to tie it, and "Kid Eternity" Jamie Moyer pitched another beautiful seven innings of two hit, one run ball. Unfortunately, is was all for naught when "Hot-Head" J.C. Romero came into the eigth inning, only to start off with a single to Robinson Cancel, in for pitcher of record and Philly-favorite Aaron Heilman. "Goat-Boy" Reyes sacrificed him over, Endy Chavez lined out, and David "Pussy" Wright was intentionally walked to set up a Romero - Carlos Delgado match-up. The results say that Uncle Charlie blew it, when the formally formidable Delgado slammed a double to left field, scoring both men on bass.

What happened next? Mets' closer Billy "Biggest Asshole in Baseball" Wagner came on, getting two quick outs before allowing a single to Chris Coste. Jimmy Rollins comes in to bat for Romero. Interestingly, Rollins was a late scratch from the line-up, much to the NY boo-birds dismay, and back up dude Eric Bruntlett took his place at short stop. Bruntlett was the only Phil to wear his hittin' shoes today, going 3-4 with two doubles, but the impotence of the meat of Philly's order left him there every time. Anyway, Rollins v. Wagner, north v. south, sorta, grooviness v. square, the good guys only a home run away from a tie when Wagner threw one 96 mph fastball that J-Roll grounded to third, forcing out Ruiz, pinch-running for Coste, at second.

And the hated New York Mets take first place. This one hurt, for that reason and for giving Aaron Heilman (1-3) his first win of the season, and another save to the sickening Billy Wagner (26). Thank god the Philles (54-48) got the floundering Atlanta Braves (48-53) up next for three games back at CBP (I'll be there Friday night), while the Mets (55-47) host the considerable St. Louis Cardinals (57-46). Let's get it back boys.

What a view!

While the brass at development firm the Buccini-Polin Group hasn't deemed it necessary to get back to me in any way regarding their current controversy, their employees at the majestic 24 story River Tower couldn't have been more courteous or helpful. They allowed me to briefly explore the eye-catching structure, check out one of the ultra-modern condos, and best of all, snap some shots from the 17th floor balcony! Nothing could have prepared me for the view, it actually took my breath away. I suggest anyone who has it in 'em to weasel there way up there like I did and check it out!
www.christinalanding.com

I need band pracitce!

Cartoon for Sanitary Maintenance Magazine

i make people late for work!

still sore!

New Castle's Finest -TRAJIC JOHNSON

Live from the Frottage Cottage - July 19

Monday Afternoon Development News

Growing up in Wilmington in the 1980's the Christina riverfront south of the city wasn't somewhere I was allowed to go. And for good reason: it was primarily old abandoned heavy industrial land. Brownfields, polluted and contaminated, and long since thriving factories and warehouses had become havens for the drug industry. The area had been ignored and written off for decades, and the notorious, very low-income neighborhood of Southbridge abuts the riverfront to the east and lies in the 100 year flood plane, which made it even less desirable.

The first step of the riverfront's turn around happened when the Peninsula Pilots baseball team was purcheased and relocated to the west side of the riverfront as the WIlmington Blue Rocks in 1993. Legends Stadium was one of the first new structures built on the Christina in decades, and by the time it had been renamed Frawley Stadium in 1994, they had a new neighbor. Across the river on the south side, Ed Osbourne opened his auto service store and garage at 104 A Street. The Osbornes had reservations about opening the shop in such a high-crime area, and one that falls in the flood plane at that. But failure was not an option, and over the past fourteen years, Ed Osbourne has watched the riverfront development grow up around him and right up to his front door.

With no powers of annexation, Wilmington's best bets for keeping up with and excelling alongside the other eastern seaboard metropolises is to expand both upward and southward. High rise buildings provide ample housing and enhance a city's skyline. Wilmington, south of the Christina, is comprised of Southbridge to the east, currently the focus area for the South Wilmington Special Area Management Plan and recipiants of a HOPE VI grant for proposed revitalization, and to the west, running along the river, was primarily long unused land, but not entirely unused.

The west side of the river grew first, emminating out from Frawley Stadium. Over the next few years restaraunts, night clubs, museums, and ING's building filled the previously unused space. Most recently Juniper Bank built Christina Crescent, now the Barclay Building, and AAA moved their Mid-Atlantic headquarters to the area. The first structures to go up on the south side, built between 2004-2008, were the Residences at Christina Landing (twenty-two floor apartment building with retail at the base), the Townhomes at Christina Landing (63 community designed townhouses), and the majestic River Tower (twenty-three floor condominiums.) These were all built by the Buccini-Polin Group, a real estate and developing company whose owners, decision makers, and namesakes are all native to Greenville and Centerville areas directly to the west and northwest of Wilmington. BPG made a big splash in Wilmington with their swift and impressive construction of the WSFS building at 500 Delaware Avenue in the city's business district. Next on the agenda for the Buccini-Polin Group is another complex of townhomes on the west side of the river called Justison Landing, which are nearing completion, and the complete revitalization of Market Street, the main corridor between the buisness district and the riverfront. The idea being to convert Market Street into a mixed use retail/residential, or "live, work, and play" community. Nearest to the river, the Ships Tavern District stretches roughly from Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard, north to Fourth Street, and is named after the former inn on the site where revolutionary greats George Washington, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson all stayed while in Wilmington. Lower Market, or LOMA as the devleopment signs refer to it as, runs roughly from Third Street north to Fifth Street and is the proposed "design district," aimed at creative professionals such as architects, advertising agencies, fashion and graphic designers, and artists. Willington Square, Old Town Hall, and the Delaware Historic Society are Fifth to Sixth Streets and the Delaware College of Art and Design and its' Saville Apartment dormitories are Sixth to Seventh. Various fine dining establishments take you into the business district, with the fashion district stretching from Tatnall to King Streets along Ninth Street, a block south of the main concrete canyon in the business district. As of today, the two hundred block of Market is done; beautiful and ready for business, though not all occupied yet. When the project is complete, the core of the city should ideally radiate health and the surrounding streets should see improvement too, and outward and onward. While this is all going on, BPG also have their eyes turned southward.

The proposed South Walnut Street Renovation Plan would continue south of Christina Landing and require the use of sixty-two properties currently owned on the site. Most of them are long out of use, but the one that faces Christina Landing, twenty feet away across A Street, houses Osborne Auto Servece, and has done so for the past fourteen years. When the land was near worthless, Osborne forged a succesful livlihood and supported his family with his honest work. A real mom and pop ethic, it's a family business. "My son's worked for me for fifteen years, and I'm gonna give him the business one day," says Mr. Osborne of his son Ed Jr. Osborne is all for development and revitalization, he comments, "They could build a hundred floors on top of me if they let me have my garage on the ground floor, a place for people to bring their cars that's safe." The issue is one of fair trade. Ed's wife Cyndy Osborne has drafted a letter adressing the issue on the business' web site, www.osbornesauto.com in which she explains. "Larger businesses in the Wilmington riverfront area were purchased by the developer before the City proposed the plan to condemn the 62 smaller property owners. Why wasn't the free market system (an interested seller versus a willing buyer) employed for all involved?" Clearly Mrs. Osborne sees this as a classist issue, and a slippery slope at that, where anything imaginable can warrant taking property, if the denizens can't afford to legally object. An orginatzation called the Institute for Justice has a site dedicated to helping people across the country with this situation (www.ij.org).

The point of contention is Wilmington Mayor James Baker and the city's desire to enact emminent domain on all sixty-two properties in question. No formal offer has ever been made, according to Mr. Osborne, by either the city or the Buccini-Polin Group to purchase his crucial property. The first he heard, officially, was when he recieved a condemnation notice from the city. The city believes that it has the right to use emminant domain to condemn the property for "public use" as stated in the fifth ammendment. Originally drafted to protect the right of cities and states to build railroads where they needed them, even over privately owned farmland, as it needs to be claimed for "public use." If land was taken for public use, then it must be fairly compensated for.

Wilmington citizens have a distaste for the use of emminent domain, as it was used in the 1950's in the name of "urban renewal" which razed seventy-two blocks in Wilmington's East Side, erradicating stable African-American neighborhoods and displacing hundreds of people and families with little attempt at relocation. Emminent domain was used a decade later to raze all the properties between Jackson and Adams Streets to build I-95. Though this massive roads project was an inevitability, it's placement through the middle of the city, and temporal proximity to the 1968 riots following Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s assasination and the subsequent occupation of Wilmington by the National Guard started a ripple effect that would cause both black and white Wilmington residents to relocate themselves, dropping city population by more than 40,000 by the 1970's. Whether or not the city government acted unscrupulously then or whether they were within their civil and moral rights is a question for social and economic historians.

Right now, Mr Osborne's claim is that the city is violating his fifth amendment rights in two ways: one, they are not offering him fair compensation. In 2004, when investors first attempted to purchase Osborne's property for a different development project, the "fair market value" was $225,000. Not nearly enough to start a new business in the current real estate market, nor nearly what the prospective value of the property might be. Second, the so-called "public use" this time would be private developers building the South Walnut Street Neighborhood. "Public use" is supposed to be a restraint against the misuse of emminant domain, but its' meaning has gotten blurred to the point of meaninglessness, able to be skewed to suit whatever purpose is needed at the time. Similar misuse of the term "public use" has been disputed and found in favor of the defendant in the landmark 2005 case of Kelo vs. the City of New London, in which the court determined that such development qualifies as public use. The decision was widely criticized, and recently a Senate Bill 245 was proposed in Delaware to give clearer and stricter restrictions to Wilmington's eminent domain powers, subsequently giving property owners like Osborne a fighting chance. It could also hamper desired development in other areas. Governer Ruth Anne Minner vetoed the bill, siding with what she saw as the developer's rights. On June 28, a motion to overturn the veto was voted on, and with the majority supporting the bill earlier in the month, it seemed it would pass. However, several members changed their opinion since that time and the motion failed to pass 11 to 9. A site dedicated to informing the public about the senators who changed their vote is called www.deflipflop.org and it urges supporters to petition certain representatives and vote out others in the 2010 election.

The central issue is Osborne's claim that the condemnation is unconstitutional. "It comes down to whether people own their property or not," he claims. It is also about the interpretation of "public use" as "public purpose." However, as it stands right now in light of Kelo vs. City of New London, that arguement is less effective. Still, eight states have since passed legislature that ammends Kelo, making property rights stronger and restricting eminent domain influence of comercial developers. These cases are the models that Osborne and his supporters will point to when they try and overturn the veto again next year. In the meantime, they gain support from the community. When asked how the publicity has affected business, Ed Osborne said, "The economy is bad, so people have been more reluctant to buy new cars, so that's good for business, but today I got a new customer all the way from Newport. He thinks we're doing the right thing, wanted to show his support, and got his car fixed while he was here!" All in all, the Osbornes do not want to halt development, just their fair share for believing in property that no one else did for so long. As Mrs. Obsorne puts it, "we do not seek extraordinary compensation – only another location in or near the development area."

*As of press time, neither the city nor BPG had responded to my request for comment. Given a four-day window, city employee John Rago had promised me answers and has not supplied them. BPG had no interest, or apparently ability to comment. No one at their office who knew anything would speak to me. Both parties were contacted via phone and e-mail.*

so forgetful!

Saturday Morning Cartoons vol. 1

Madison Underground Press Presents:

The Marvelous Masked Mower

Chapter 1

"Snakes in the Daisies"

Daniel Robinson

 
The Marvelous Masked Mower is deeply kissing a pretty girl with short blonde hair and bangs. His shaggy black hair is pulled behind one ear and the rest hangs free. He looks strangely healthy, glowing, and she incredibly ethereal, her face changing slightly as they kiss.
 
"Every time I see your face, I get all wet between my legs.
Every time you pass me by I heave a sigh of pain."
 
He's fresh from being born, clean and warm, and his blue jeans, plain black t-shirt and all black Chuck Taylors are strangely crisp, standard issue.
 
"Everything you ever wanted, everything you ever thought of, is everything I'll do to you, I'll fuck you in yer hero suit."
 
She stops kissing him before he's ready and breathes warm and wet in his ear, "Tag! Yer it!"
 
"Your face reminds me of a flower, kind of like youre underwater. Hair's too long and in your eyes, your lips are perfect suck-me size."

"You act like youre fourteen years old, everything you say is so obnoxious, funny, true and mean. I wanna be your blowjob queen"

The Marvelous Masked Mower takes off after her, playing tag in Longwood Gardens, chasing one girl, but not quite able to catch up. He chases her into the greenhouse steam past banana trees, orchids and fly-traps. He chases her over acres of old Brandywine Arisocracy's rolling back-yards. He chases her through birthday present fountains to Alexis I. and Pierre S. and with much deference to the semi-domesticated gaurd cats. He chases her past ginormous flora whose chromatic schemes simply can't be sensed with one's eyes open. He chases her in her little tank top and tight jeans, no shoes or tit... always right behind her until... He loses her entirely and experiences a desolate moment.
 
"Every time I see your face I think of things unpure unchaste. I want to fuck you like a dog, take you home and make you like it.

"Everything you ever wanted, everything you ever thought of is everything I'll do to you. I'll fuck you til your dick is blue."
 
Then suddenly she alerts him from behind, "Hey boy…" and a gentle tap on the shoulder.
 
He turns to face her, but she's blurry, indistinguishable from the flowers behind her.
 
"Wake up motherfucker!"
 
This obviously makes no sense to one who dreams he's awake.
 
"Hrrrmmm…"
 
 
 
Rogue Taylor is all asunder in his bed on Paper Mill Drive. There are candles and water and etc… His pseudo-girlfriend stands over him putting on an earring, rolling her eyes.
 
"I said wake up motherfucker!"
 
Rogue winces in pain, "Unh… why? I was having a good dream…"
 
She plops down next to him and puts her hand on his back, rubbing. A spidy-sense tingle forms around her hand, because, unbeknownst to her, back rubs are the Marvelous Masked Mower's greatest weakness.
 
"Why!?! Because it's the first day of the rest of yer life, that's why!"
 
"What else is new…?"
 
"And anyway it's after noon on Saturday and I've been up for hours trying to go back to sleep waiting for you to wake up and I need smoke-a-rettes so I was gonna go but I thought I should wake you up first and then…"
 
The throb in his head in conjunction with this mini-rant becomes unbearable.
 
"Shut the fuck up dude! I just woke up! Can you get to the got-dang point, Grace?"
 
She looks hurt.
 
"Jeezis, Rogue… I was just gonna ask you if you wanted to fuck…"
 
Rogue buries his head under his pillow.
 
"NO!"
 
Grace walks out the door and slams it.
 
"Psshhh… whatever, dick."
 
Rogue Taylor lies in bed, squinting in pain.
 
"Ahhh, my daily headache."
 
He lays in bed in boxer shorts, leaning over hacking.
 
"Man, I fucking hate mornings. The domain of hangovers and other such twenty-something boogady-men. As per usual, my brain hurts. Too sharp and overly emotional, a severely shuffled Rubix Cube of blacked out memories. Every morning my back aches and I can't remember a damn thing from the day before. Was I even here?"
 
"Hachhh…"
 
He spits out the window.

 
"I don't think so. Am I the Disappearing Boy?"
 
"Ptooie!"
 
He flops back into bed with his eyes closed.
 
"Fuck, I just wanna be well…"
 
His hand going down his stomach.
 
"I just wanna be happy…"
 
Into his drawers!
 
"I just wanna feel good…"
 
Rogue's head opens up at the top and his dreams pour out. An elaborate sexual fantasy is taking place. A beautiful girl with weird hair and a huge ass is beckoning him into his own dreams.
 
"It's good to have a dream girl."
 
Rogue bites his lip in pleasure.
 
An invisible electric speaker breaks the wall between dream and reality.

 
"Come in Waking World, come in! This is Neural Nancy, rank of Three-Star Party Girl in Her Make-Believe Majesty's Mouthful. Rogue Taylor trigger sequence initiated…"
 
Rogue's eyes roll back in his head.
 
"This kid is one of our heavy hitters, people, so get ready to rock and roll!"
 
Rogue is waking up to a higher consciousness, his lips turn up into a smile as dream and reality become one.
 
"And here we go, in 3... 2… 1…"
 
SPLOOGE!
 
"In order for you to play with this record, you must tune your guitar to ours. We will start with the first string..."
 
 
 
Rogue shoots up in bed, straight, alert, too happy, huge grin, domino mask and cum dripping off his face.
 
"We would drag ourselves to bed. And sleep took everything I had. I kept it up till he would call. You made me feel like a criminal. And then there's you, you kept a smile though I would always walk the wire."
 
"Good morning Miss Bliss!! Special Agent Rogue Taylor reporting for duty, whatever it may be!!!"
 
"Another successful blastoff! Give 'em Hell, Marvelous Masked Mower! Give 'em Hell!"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower is silhouetted, shimmering against a bright and beautiful sun. His arms are extended, holding a grit.
 
"And with that, the pain melts away. On a never ending manic swing, I'm walking on sunshine. And don't it feel good."
 
He touches down on a suburban sidewalk, still smoking.
 
"The life of the Marvelous Masked Mower is like a first love on heroin, every day ever."
 
"Damn, I talk a lot of shit…"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower walks an inch above the concret in long cut-off camouflaged shorts and a three quarter length t-shirt, sunglasses on and face up.
 
"And so, as the sun shines life down upon Muther Earth, the Marvelous Masked Mower screws around, until…"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower walks merrily down the street reading "The Great Gatsby," laughing a great deal. A Prospect Ave. sign hangs above his head.
 
"Ha ha ha ha! Damn this dude is funny! Huh!?!"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower peeks out above his book. Converted suburbs for college students in various stages of disrepair mark this block of the Mower's world. Clearly, the F.U.K. sorority house is in desperate need of a thorough mow. Two sisters are out front struggling with a lawn mower, amidst foot-high grass, the high weeds tickling their booties in varying degrees of sex-ware.
 
"Awww, damn! I knew there was a reason I walked down Prospect!"
 
The chicks crouch around the mower. One smoking a joint.
 
"Bitch is all gassed up! I don't know what the prob is!"
 
"Gassed up, Schmassed up! The motor hauls too, but the fucking ripcord won't pull, so our lawn is doomed!"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower's shadow envelops the girls and their machine.
 
"Maybe you girls just need…"
 
"A gentle touch!"
 
"The Marvelous Masked Mower!!"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower stands triumphant with the chicks clinging worshipping around his legs, clawing at him, like Frank Frazetta's little brother black-viking.
 
"At yer fucking service."
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower pulls the ripcord.
 
"Vaa-Rooooom!!"
 
He tears into the lawn with calculated abandon, like a Mexican Jackson Pollack.
 
"I wanna be stereotyped. I wanna be classified. I wanna be a clone. I wanna suburban home."
 
Internally-combusted, gas-powered, carbeurated, seven horse power abstact expressionalism.
 
"I want to be a statistic. I wanna be masochistic. I want to be a clone. I want a suburban home."
 
A checkerboarded color field of a prisms worth of greens, manufactured and packaged, well... recognized and catalysed by... me.
 
"I don't want no hippie pad. I wanna house just like mom and dad."
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower lays flat on the lawn smoking a joint with the two chicks lying next him. The lawn is beautiful.
 
"So, *ahem* Mr. Marvelous Masked Mower… would you be interested in coming up to our room for some… *ahem* coffee?"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower sits up purposefully.
 
"Sorry Daphne, as tempting as the offer may be, the same strange, unnatural urge that brought me here is beckoning me elsewhere… later, babes!"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower walks away down the street. The two girls can't hardly believe it.
 
"The fuck! Elsewhere? Hotter girls?"
 
"No fuckin' way."
 
"...believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eledud us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farth.... And one fine morning..."
 
"Ha ha ha ha! Hmmm… I'd know that song anywhere!"
 
Quarter and half notes float in the air, round about the size and weight of a banana.
 
A wicked tricked out ice-cream truck pulls up behind the Marvelous Masked Mower, hydrolics bouncing, gold rims, and a dictionary worth of treats painted on the side in day-glo taste paint. "The Merry Go Round Broke Down" so loud that adult ears bleed.
 
A shady-ass dude leans out the window and daps the Marvelous Masked Mower.
 
"Mr. Tastee! Right on time, as usual!"
 
Mr. Tastee is an infantryman, on the front lines in a dirty white linen suit and crooked red bow-tie.
 
"W'dup Mower!?! What'll it be today?"
 
"Let me see… I'll take a Lemon Licky Nubs."
 
Mr. Tastee open the freezer and condensation fills the truck. He hands the mower a radioactive-yellow frozen pop.
 
"Great choice."
 
The Mower licks up.
 
"Sooooo… wanna go to the bar?"
 
Mr. Tastee and the Marvelous Masked Mower look at each other, smiling.
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower rides upon the hood of Mr. Tastee's truck.
 
"Whoooooooo-hooooo!!!"
 
The truck screeches to a halt, in front of the bar, the Cantina. "God is a Punk Rock Chick" is scrawled on the wall with an expert hand.
 
As Tastee's brakes stop on a dime, the Mower flies off.
 
"Whoa!"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower and Mr. Tastee walk in through saloon doors.
 
Tastee fist slams the bar.
 
"Whattaya say, Jay! Big-ass lager!"
 
"Summer special my man!"
 
The boys sit at the bar with a hottie bartender, drinking beverines, surrounded by various weird-os, denizens of pirate city.
 
"One ice water with lemon for the resident super hero."
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower discards his straw and pounds down.
 
"Word!"
 
A grungy dude in a flannel scowls derisively at the MMM, sucking on a brew.
 
"Ha! I wouldn't believe it unless I saw it wit' my own two eyes! The "mighty" Marvelous Masked Mower can't hang with the booze no more! Pussy…"
 
Mr. Tastee is quick to stand up.
 
"Shut the fuck up, Dillinger…"
 
The Mower is generally unaffected.
 
"You know what they say dude, a thousand drinks are never enough…"
 
An other worldly hot chick with hair made out of yarn holds out a tall glass of ice water to toast the Marvelous Masked Mower.
 
"And one is too many!"
 
The three boys are dumbstruck at the sight of this angel.
 
"*Burp!* The fuck are you?"
 
Tastee slugs Dillinger in the mug.
 
Molly and Mower stare into each other's eyes with Tastee behind them.
 
"Molly Meadows, the right place at the right time."
 
"Rogue Taylor, likewise."
 
The two smile at each other, silent and smiling, Tastee rolls his eyes and pounds his beer.
 
"Oooooh-kay… I got a neighborhood full of kids whose lives need saving. Retarded Masked Mower, new sexy girl, catch you on the flip-flop."
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower and Molly walk down the suburban street, Molly enjoying a Blue Tornado Bar the Marvelous Masked Mower smoking a grit.
 
"My health is failing me, so I flip on the television
And watch sad movies. And look for sad, sick people like me."

"So, no girlfriend…?"
 
"None to speak of."
 
"And you don't drink…"
 
"Not anymore, but I fuckin' love Mary Jane."
 
"(Me too.) And you're… a super-hero?"
 
"Well, that's what they tell me. A lot of times, I'm not really sure what I am at all. I keep the town clean and safe and beautiful. I can't really help it, you know? I mean, I'm my own boy, but I serve that which makes life more magical… lightning bugs and bong pieces, punk rock and peanut butter, go-karts and Hustler magazine… you know, the usual."
She looks at him.
 
"Yeah… the usual."
 
"I hear noises in the darkness. I hear sadness in your voice.
I hear noises in the darkness. I hear sadness inside you."

He looks back.
 
"Uhh... anyway. Your hair is, ummm… well, it's fucking beautiful, but it's, umm… made out of yarn? Pink and orange, glittery yarn?"
 
She poses her weave and talks.
 
"Yes it is! See, when I was a little girl I had leukemia, and went through chemo and all, and lost my hair.
 
"Part of my therapy was making all kinds of funky wigs with my big sister. This is one of my favourites, so I wear it from time to time… you like?"
 
"Yeah. Yeah, I like. Listen Molly, they're doing Lazer Operation Ivy down at the University Planetarium tonight, and it's gonna be fucking awesome, and I'd be honored if you'd go with me…"
 
She stares at him, smiling.
 
"I'll be there!"
 
 
 
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower walks alone down the street, whistling.
 
He walks into his bedroom.
 
Lies down on his bed and lights a joint. He holds the remote control in his other hand.
 
"Fuck I love summer! And it's time for Urkel!"
 
CLICK!
 
He turns the TV on, but instead of Urkel, it is pseudo-girlfriend, Grace Mayday in her Mystery Femme gear, silver and tight.
 
"Come in Marvelous Masked Mower, come in! This is Mystery Femme, Special Agent and rank of five-star Motherfucker. We have trouble Mower… big trouble."
 
The Mower tokes and looks confused.
 
"The fuck? What kind of trouble?"
 
Mystery Femme adresses him from his TV.
 
"If you've kept up on Her Make-Believe Majesty's Memos, you're familiar with the Tri-Delta Centurions' extended efforts to terraform phantom planet #2369, codenamed "David Knox". With recent advances, their dream has become a reality (as they are prone to do for people like us), but… it worked too well."
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower leans back on bed, smoking and watching her speak like the dude in the Maxell tape ads.
 
"The entire planet is disgustingly overgrown. It's a nightmare! We have grass and dandelion height at Redneck Level 7.5. These poor alium's very summers are at stake!"
 
"Yeah, I dig, but the thing is I got a date and…"
 
"We know. Your ship is fueled up and the coordinates are already downloaded into your on-board. Help them Mower
Wan Kenobi. You're their only hope!"
 
He finally puts down his bong.
 
"Quit pandering, Mystery Femme. I'll be right there."
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower's rocket… a 1986 Volvo 240 Wagon is parked in the lot out back.
 
"Fuck!"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower straps in, smoking his grit in his spacesuit, wearing aviator shades.
 
"I hope that all this interplanetary travel and saving the day doesn't interfere with my chances of making out! 3…2…1…"
 
"Oi!"
 
The jets ignite and the Mower takes off.
 
The rocket hurtles through space.
 
"Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind,
and to lie to you rather than hurt you?
Well I'll confess all of of my sins after several large gins
but still I'll hide from you, hide what's inside from you."

The mower lands his Volvo-rocket in an extremely overgrown lawn.
 
"A few hundred-million light years later."
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower opens his trunk with his equipment in it. The grass is well above his head.
 
"The fuck? This shit's as high as an elephant's eye!"
 
He unsheathes a large cybernetic weed whacker sword, with spinning light saber blades.
 
"Ha! I love a challenge!"
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower goes wild all over the planet, mowing a sphere with questionable gravity is just the sort
of thing the Mower was trained for.
 
"Over the next few hours of gonzo lawn care, manicuring the phantom planet…"
 
"Something started to smell fishy…"
 
"It was quiet… too quiet…"
 
"And there were no super-grateful hot alium girlies anywhere…"
 
"I was almost done, and I knew I was seconds away from setting off a trap…"
 
The mower finishes the job and ghost rides his mower off.
 
He kneels down and examines the ground.
 
"And away we go!"
 
On the ground is a panel of metal, the face of a bomb. It reads "Gotcha Turkey!" and says "3…"
 
"Ha! I should have known! A reverse-grass-time-bomb!"
 
"2…"
 
"This is gonna suck!"
 
"1!"
 
"Cover yer nuts, Rouge!"
 
The planet explodes and hurtles the Marvelous Masked Mower into space.
 
"Cover yer nuts!"
 
KA-BLAMMMMO!
 
 
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower free-falls through deep space.
 
"But all the highs and the lows and the to's and the fro's,
They left me dizzy, Oh won't you please forgive me?
I no longer hear the music!"


"Dickhead! What'd I do to deserve that? Someone went to an awful lot of trouble to explode a pacifist!"
 
"I thank my lucky stars I got my Walkman and a word-ass mix tape! Space Jam!"
 
"And the full extent of my filthy, prismatic imagination!"
 
"Well I no longer hear the music when the lights go out,
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt. The strange fate in my mind is all too clear."
 
"Music when the lights come on, the girl I thought I knew has gone, And with her my heart had disappeared..."

"Still… it's a long way down."
 
"Worst part is I'm totally going to be late for my date. "
 
"What an asshole! I get lost in space instead of maybe getting honeysuckled kisses whilst listening to OPIV. Sheesh.
Maybe I'm getting a sinus infection or something!"
 
"And even with all the cool shit that I can do as the Marvelous Masked Mower…"
 
"I can't light a cigarette in space."
 
"But I no longer hear the music.
Oh no no no no no..."

Molly waits outside the Planetarium looking hot as hell.
 
"Later that night."
 
The mower touches down, scorching the earth around him. He instantly is lighting a cigarette and his whole body is smoking. His clothes are burnt and torn form space travel and re-entry. Molly waits dressed hotly in fishnets, short skirt, Gang War t-shirt, and eighteen eye red Doc Martins. She's heavily accesorized in spikes and glitter and is wearing a different bob-style wig.
 
"Oh my gawd, Molly… I am sooo sorry."
 
They are face to face.
 
"See first there I was trying to get high and then I got a call, and when there's a job to do I gotta do it, right?"
 
"Rogue…"
 
"But it turned out to be a trap (of course), and my car got exploded, and I had to space-swim for like, forever, and…"
 
"Dude…"
 
She puts he finger to his lips.
 
"And I'm just really sorry is all. Umm… you were saying?"
 
"Hush up boy. Walk with me, talk with me."
 
They walk hand in hand down a dark sidewalk.
 
"Don't sweat it, Rouge. I am a very laid back chick, and understand how shit comes up. Especially seeing as how you're a *super hero* and all. So guess what…"
 
"Uhhh… what?"
 
"I'll give you a chance to make it up to me."
 
She kisses him goodbye on the cheek.
 
SMACK
 
"Meet me at Black Angel Park Tuesday for lunch. Be there, or You. Are. Cooked."
 
"Promise."
 
The Marvelous Masked Mower walks in his back door on Paper Mill Drive.
 
"My new girlfriend is better than you, she's got bigger breasts and a higher I.Q. And she always knows which fork to use. And she doesn't always have some lame excuse."
 
"HA! The luck of the Welsh strikes again!"
 
He throws his keys on the table.
 
"She's a gigglin' and a wigglin' and a bakin' a pie, and I can tell just by the look in her eye that she's never gonna leave me wonderin' why, and we're gonna have a hell of a time."
 
"She is some kind of terrific girl! I can't f-in' wait til Tuesday!"
 
"My new girlfriend is better than you, she's got higer breasts and a bigger I.Q."
 
He walks down his hallway with punk flyers on the wall.
 
He walks into his room which is horribly disheveled, comics and books, and records, and tapes, and etc.. everywhere.
 
"The fuck! My OCD is going haywire! Did the damn cat do this!?!"